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i was lonely for something i forgot about... im popping tic tacs and listening to dream theater to wash out my mind ... its all a big blur and i just want to fall asleep and have pleasant dreams lasting past my waking. Its hard to think of the fun times bc I know they wont last and it hurts. I know I will go home and go to bed and cry silent tears bc I miss everyone and everything too much and the good times are never long enough to ease it all away. So then I will rinse it all away erase it with the music and the mints and the long hours wasting away in front of the computer screen searching for nonexistant pages, information not possibly found online, despite pleadings. I want to be elsewhere with friends and having fun and living but I just sit here and look forward to those few transient good times, and I'm scared that thats all life is gonna be, a big period of waitign and waitign for those few good times, those needles in the big haystack, while we are drifting closer and closer to the end, whatever that is. I hope I can find my fields of grass, my elysium there but I dont know if it will come, if all the people will come back, or if it will be a great big illusion i can never see past. I wish so hard sometimes but theres nothing to be seen from the wishes, you just gotta grab what you can while theres time. I'm lost trying to remember forgotten dreams and parts of my life I can't remember. Ive had so many good times but now I can't even remember them, and its all a mix of hopes and slivers of memory and past. I wish I could relive so much of it and go back and rewind and retry before it all wastes away. What a life to live, I just wish I could live it as many times as I can until its perfect, if it can ever be so. Just focusing on the little bits and pieces so I can go on, ignoring the rest of the puzzle pieces, just getting them figured out one by one so they can be put together. But somehow pieces always get lost and theres nothing I can do about it, so I sit here looking in vain for whats already gone and never coming back. How I wish things could change. How hard I've tried... but I'm no fatespinner, just a little observer watching the threads being placed and tied and woven in the great big blanket of eternity that keeps going and going but is never undone. I'll throw my specks of color in and maybe mix it with a few others, and get my own little patch in the quilt. What can you do... what can ya do... I was lonely for something I forgot about... and theres nothing i can do.
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