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Talk about your extremes... and im FREEE Well I'm sure all of you are just exhilarated at the knowledge that it is now officially SUMMER!! All those late nights and stressful days and early mornings gone with, only sunny days, swimming, relaxing with friends, chaotic fun and cross-county (yes county) trekking ahead. I'll be sure to update you once I've circumnavigated the globe and conquered Greenland. Well lets see... last year I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish during the summer, but this year I am outwardly proclaiming my laziness by procrastinating even this. Yesterday we had off, and it was a wonderful day. I slept in late and then Rufo came over at about 1:30. We walked downtown and I got to show him most of Media, which was vespucci. I love Media, its such a nice friendly little town I know brick by brick. Little Anthony's was yummy as usual and O'Malley's as well.... Ahhh it was just such a nice walk into town. We even stopped in that little used cd store that I havent been into in a year or so. Its so hidden and out of the way, I forget to care. It was a nice relaxing walk, and just slightly too warm outside, but not much. We cut through the playground, like I always do, but for the first time ever, we were asked to leave the playground (which we kinda were doing anyway). I guess I'm used to going there around 4 and this time it was earlier, and kids were playing outside. Oops. But eventually we ran into Tori and Sami coming home... and Rufo and Sami finally met each other ^^ Its been long enough, haha. Once we got back home we actually watched Pulp Fiction. I enjoyed it except that the nonsequenciality mildly confuzzled me. I think my little sister saw some parts that she shouldnt've, but what can ya do? We also got to 'watch' O Brother, where art thou? and Ice Age. I felt bad for the squirrel tho, his acorn always too far away *sniff*. But anyway I had an absolutely wonderful time... I wish I could say more, but this is my journal, and who knows who reads it. Hellooooo *echo echo echoes* If you wish to avoid dreamy happiness, please skip the next paragraph. Continuing is only recommended for the strong of stomach. Anywho yesterday was so great, and I never truly realize how much I love him, I come to great realizations in steps. Its so enjoyable, and I think our friendship or relationship was taken to a new level. I am so glad its summer and soon he will be able to drive because I want him to be with me so badly. Why am I sounding this way? Tis not me. this is my blog but this writing is not of my quality, but too bad. Deal with it. This is how it is, and right now I am feeling so wonderfully happy. Even though just hours ago I was crying over the injustice of the dictatorship of crew. Exec board was chosen, and of course I didnt make it. Hell, I'm surprised he's even noticed I'm on crew. Nat, Rufo, Dan, Tom, Vilija and Anna made Exec. And i am so pissed about it, especially for Chelle and Chrissy and Stephs sake, but for me too, because I do just as much work and am there the exact same amount of times that she is, but i get nothing. Freshman who join halfway into the year get higher status than me because its a big popularity contest. Too bad I'm not buying into their games. I havent been trying to socialize with everyone cuz i dont want to. There are certain seniors I hate and hope they hate me back. I hope they dont come back and see what ruined federation, company, crew... they've left behind. I am once again shunned in my hopes and dreams of what is better for the reason of unfair blindness... when will this injustice end? While these sands of time flow, wasted on unnoticed work... I slide in other areas. My grades and athleticism, I sacrificed for this. I sacrificed my time. I sacrificed my energy, my effort, my heart. I put so much into this that people don't even realize how much it means to me. "It's no big deal." Maybe to you, you lucky bitches and bastards, but not to me. To me its the reason im always there, its a failure and a shame to my face to go away with nothing but nothing. An emptyness in my soul, to be ignored as always. I am always invisible. Nothing can ever change that. It must be written across my face. And now I have a bracelet idenitfying it because maybe if I shoved it in peoples faces they would realize what they do to me. I seriously felt like i wanted to hit anyone over the head with a metal chair when they called exec board down on the pa today. It makes me so enraged, I could scream until my voice was entirely gone, my breathe spent, I have fallen into a coma from lack of pxygen to the brain. And even after that I would scream those silent screams that echo around in my head. I can never escape their hold, my happiness relies on something i dont control. I must change this or else my being is risked in ways I do not know. I could just quit, scream "FUCK YOU ALL!!!" right to the director and all the seniors and emminent exec board. *cough*nat*cough*. I dont have any hope to get anywhere later because everyone but nats here til i leave. Grrrfucking damnit. Maybe if i killed someone that would leave a spot open. And to all you raving goodie two shoes out there thinking hmmm maybe i should say something, this girl needs help... Shut ur traps. Maybe I'm joking, ok? Maybe... well most likely not but now u cant convict me. So ha. Arg, I could go on forever about this, but it gets me in the worst mood and makes me want to break things and last time this happened, (in church earlier today) i ended up digging my nails into my arms til it was was scraped and sore. I couldnt take it anymore, the people there were so stupid and slow. And the clapping. Eru, the clapping... it was twice each time and loud and there were about 500 awards, which is 501 too many. I thought i was gonna go on a spastic rampage in the middle of church screaming until everyone shut up and father talked faster and I could leave. I don't think I'm a very good people person. One on one's ok. But crowds? no no. Today was the last day of school, depressing in some ways... great in others. In the beginning it was extremely depressing, and as I said before, I felt as though Iwas gonna scream in hr. Also the awards ceremony just reminded me how much of a failure I was this year, oh whoop de do. I feel special. 2 less academic awards this year that last year. Not to even mention all the missed opportunities at track.... The fact that exec board was out all day didnt help one bit, but seeing Rufo helped me feel better. Weisz attempted to steal my bracelets again, so I gave him a green one. Also gave away a black one and broke a blck one. Bracelet gone count- 3 I must go to bed though, my eyes are hurting. Gnite fair meldor.
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