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nostalgia, distant longings... Trying to smile to comfort frowns, when inside im crying... wishing for more, for contentness, that the world could be fine for one minute. And I try my best to do something good but somehow it never works and then I regret and feel guilty in my self-disgrace. I dont know how to make this world all right. I wish i could stop those tears from flowing cuz i know the world could smile... But you need those tears to cherish the good times, however few. That salt to relish the sugar, the bleak to see the vivid... I give myself up, and I wish I could do more. But I cant mend the world. No needle is big enough, nor thread long enough. Just bitter salt and unreality and dreams, in this world that's all I see. Dissapointment, clouds, that cool rain. How I long for rain and naivety and those lost days of innocence. Nothing wrong there, nothing worse than a scraped knee. Running free in a paradise you thought would last forever. What grey dimension have I unknowingly traded that for? I'll never be able to go back, ever again. Those days are lost to all but memory and dreams. The key to our existance is distraction. Distraction from loss, from pain, from bitterness, lest we go insane. Left alone to cope with these things ravaging our mind, we would go mad. And so life passes in an illusion, distraction, petty miseries, and short lived 'enjoyment' in these fake things. Where now? Nowhere to run to, time is gone, changes made, no back button, eraser, or 'undo'. People come and go, die and leave, love and hate. Maybe Alzheimer's is something to look forward to. Dispite the holes in the brain setback, you wouldnt have to take in things, to be this way. Like you were young again, in mind... Although such physical negativities are impossible I suppose the psychological change would be enough. Or maybe sometimes it would be better to dissappear. That seems to be my answer for everything but it works. You don't have to hurt anyone, to take anything in, to feel guilt or shame or pain or regret, freedom in many senses... No interpersonal relationships, but I suppose thats not so awful. No one to hurt. I'll be in my mind if anyone needs me. Don't expect me back soon. "And she's buying her stairway to heaven."
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