<~12:31 am on Tuesday, Dec. 10, 2002~>

from the bottom u can only go up... or stay there forever

Heyloz again peoples. I can easily say today has been just about one of the worst days in years. Well in the beginning at least.

This morning was an absolute horror. Spanish class was first and that was ok, we had a quiz on some stuff I havent looked at in a week but hopefully I didnt do that horribly. Then of course came the ever-hated biology. I swear i hate it so much. If everything died then maybe we wouldnt have anything to study anymore. I pondered that awhile but then I realized that we would all have to learn anatomy and study dead things. And by God, do I hate the smell of dead cats. We would be running inside on days when the weather was crappy last year, and this whole hallway would reek of dead cats. It was nauseating.

Anyways today was the first time I was back in Miss Licata's dreaded class since last Wednesday and I had not been looking forward to it, believe me. We (well collectively everyone beside me) got their lab reports back today. We also got last weeks test back also which was no better. The first thing that happens when I walk in is I hear Miss L literally screaming in amazement that little miss snob of a number one got a 100 on her ap test. And then she goes on to explain how great she is and even a teacher from down the hall comes to see what all the clamor is about. Supposedly everyone did well on the AP test, ther were two 69's but she gave both individuals a point so that they didnt fail. At thst moment i felt the pit of my stomach drop. I look at my test and lo and behold there shows in menacing red ink a bold 69. I should be greatful, my guessing probably should have earned me a 20. But then of course its not good enough to just hand out the lab reports of everyone else and go over them. I told her last week on the day that we handed in the labs that I needed to talk to her, and because of snow days and delays I still hadnt been able to do that. I swear this woman is awful. Immediately after she hands them out she starts flipping out because she realizes that one "individual" did not hand in their lab report. She then of course must go on to say how that this "individual's" grade is going to suffer enormously, she has to ask some student how many points its worth. "60 points! Can all of you imagine how this is going to affect this individual's grade? And it wouldnt be so horrible but this is the second time it has happened. Second time! That is just unacceptable on an AP level. I was lenient and kind the first time (yeah- she made me the subject of public ridicule) but this time its going to far." At this point i am hiding behind my hair staring at this one spot on my desk fighting off tears. I could tell there hadta be 20 sets of eyes beating down upon me. Silent tears stream down my face while i thank God for giving me long hair and a desk on the very righthand side of the room to hide behind. Its not invisibility but im feeling awful enough now that it wouldnt matter.

But of course it doesnt stop there. Just when I thought i might be able to do ok, I'll finish the lab tonight and hand it in asap and get points deducted, she starts talking about a project we're gonna be working on soon. At this point I have totally tuned out and focused on going numb and trying to focus as little attention on myself as possible. Then she starts talking about how this will be a group project. "There is a certain (*goddamn this word forevermore*) individual in this class who has a tendency to not hand in work. If I were in this person's group I would better get on their case because they would be the cause for a lousy grade. I sure wouldnt want to have that person in my group." That bitch. Curse my sensitivity but that was too much for me. She has to go around and tear every last shred of dignity from me doesnt she? Shes such an ignorant, selfish, smelly bitch. I cant stand her. I just kinda sat staring at the desk the rest of class unable to take in whatever new impossible concept she was teaching.

As either a curse or a godsend I got a call slip to the discipline office. I left that damned classroom as soon as I could and probably stopped in the bathroom for about 5 minutes or so to try to get my stupid face to look less red. Of course my attempts at somewhat restoring my appearance were futile and I arrived at the discipline office looking as blotchy and crappy as hell and still the ruthless Ms. Guyger showed no pity and so for my stupidity about forgetting about the saturday detention this weekend I have one this weekend. And probably next weekend, the 21st. Right before Christmas. And I think i am going to be on probation which means no stage crew, no school activities, no dances, nada, for like 20 days. What joyfulness. I dont think they can stop me from going to stage crew tho. I might just happen to be at school at the same time as everyone on the crew and maybe volunteer to help move stuff and be useful. They cant stop me.

But im so mad at myself for being so weak and sensitive i will never get my reputation as nails back. Its freaking annoying. Even tho my academic, social and athletic life is kinda all falling apart i still shouldnt get so pissed off and feeling sorry for myself, should I? Plus I have realized once you are at the very bottom you can be almost happy because you know it cant get any worse even if it stays horrible for a long time. Anyways i have been jabbering for far too long. Some not-as-depressing things occurred today, mainly stage crew, so i shouldnt feel that crappy. I have just spent about 2 and a half hours with my dad helping me trying to figure out my lab report though, and I still dont get it. Curse her if she makes everyone think that i am lazy. Im gonna get my grades up and i will STAY number 5. Or at least in the top ten. And what does it matter what anyone thinks? I dont care anymore. I am me and thats who i am. Let them think what they think. She cant possibly degrade me anymore so maybe I'll focus on just getting stuff in and she will leave me be. I really think i need some comfort food and sleep right now. Ive got another AP lab due Thursday to top off the one thats late, and an essay test on thursday, a combined total of about 5 tests in the next several days, and I am wasting my time changing pixels on a screen from white to black. Oh so very wise. I will leave you with the fortune that I got in the cookie at Tori's house afterschool (as best as i can remember and paraphrase): Your own values will prove more rewarding than money or success.

Somewhere I heard to add 'in bed' at the end of a fortune so here they are:

Tori's: You will go many places in bed.
Mine: you own values will prove more rewarding than money or success in bed.

And just because i love adding more when you thought i was finally done rambling I would like to put up a poem that Tori wrote:

Gone.
just like that,
after all we had,
and all we've done,
just dissapeared into the snow,
like and angel on fire,
anger subsiding,
trust shattered,
and with nothing left,
and no one who wanted her,
nothing to live for,
no reason to go on,
an angel on fire,
spreading her wings,
and she was gone.

PS- I really should start writing my own poetry again but I really like Tori's too.

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