<~10:50 pm on Tuesday, May. 13, 2003~>

Lost in the grey

Days lag on and on, the enjoyable times are as transcient as shooting stars or the flavor in winterfresh gum, the torturing, brain-numbing hours in between endless as time itself.

I sit here staring into the void of myself, of what has become or has not become, trying to find a nothingness. What is there that has not been corrupted, that stays caged within, pale as a child whose never seen the burning sun of day? I wish that this inner calm of darkness could be obtained once again but now that I have faced those scorching lights, I dont believe it is possible to regress to the pale innocence of what was. I used to understand the meaning of inner calm, and happiness with myself, but I have become unsure of what I am and mean and wish to return to my unknowing darkness. I suppose in that darkness I would know nothing more than the void itself, never appreciating its kind goodness. Of course in this shadow i am shielded, from both the beneficial and the harmful. Is it worth crawling out into the light? Am I more or less once tanned than pale?

This world which I live in has skewed my perception of reality, and I hope I am not to far gone into this world of superficial hopes and synoptic goals to come back; in essence, to de-societize. However I believe with this change of perception would invitably come a retrogression of the understanding of such matters. To understand but be pulled in? Or to unknowingly be separate, unscathed.

But perhaps the thought of searching for that lost darkness is futile. Once burnt, you are changed for life, however much you try to remove the scars. The pureness lost cannot be regained but be appreciated, and perhaps we can benefit from this entry into the sunlight.

Even if I had found a darkness that did not cut off the view of the world, how would I know? All vision is distorted in one direction or another, so who could rightfully speak the truth? All are unknowing, not one person excluded. Perhaps theres is some great vast well of truth if only we could take out the filters in our minds and eyes and view the universe as it simply is. As it existed when no living human was there to see it, and as it will when none will survive to know it.

Until it is possible to see the unobscured vision of the world, I suppose I shall be trying to find a peace in that grey area, and praying I dont fall prey to the shrewd temptation of the light, for the rewards are insubstantial and shortlived.

I shall leave you with me crudely trying to remember a song I heard in about 7th grade over Tori's house:

"Lost in the dark in the middle of the night, we cant see without a light,
Lost in the light in the middle of the day, we're still lost, but its ok."

I'm hoping they're correct with the "it's ok part", but I'm not sure if I believe them.

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