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to cry.
Sometimes I need so much to have my own little space I will curl up and hide in my mind, shutting off the world and hiding in the shadows of my thoughts. Being alone is very peaceful and sometimes I wish everyone else could just dissappear for a long time, or I could be invisible and no one would disturb me. This morning this feeling arose again when I was awakened by parents wanting me to clean so that everyone could go down the shore later. I knew I wouldnt be going and to be awoken from pleasant dreams to the reminder that I would haveta clean and do homework and get up early and yet still not go to the shore. I know this wasnt much to ask of me but I was put in an irratible mood. I snapped at my mom to shut up, stupidly enough, after she said it was my fault for not managing my time well. I shouldnt have said that but I have a very bad temper. I'm not self-disciplined. I went back to my room, shut and locked the door, and tried to go back to sleep. Minutes later, my dad came up, pounding and yelling through the door for me to get up and go downstairs. It was expected of me I spose, cuz, as he said, my selfishness had no limits and he made me go down on my knees and beg for forgiveness from my mom, all while shes crying and not saying anything. I realize this seems like a pointless story of a naughty child getting chastised by her father. But what bugs me is that my mom never says anything, except maybe a "hey!" or some little response when I first say it. But come time for the punishment, my dads the one screaming, hes the one threatening to beat the shit out of me... What is with this sexist world? It's almost as if i half said that to see if she would be able to slap me and discipline me herself for once. Its makes me so mad and hurt, to see her sit there, just crying over something stupid and meaningless I said. Why is she so sensitive to this stuff? It's really no big deal. And since it seemed to her that it was, why the hell cant she scream at me? Instead she goes downstairs crying to her husband. Like a typical woman. God how I hate what I am made to be. All my life I have tried to spite it and gain more dignity. My natural reaction to cry comes but i am nonchalantly walking, not caring, talking in a bored tone, not disturbed in the least. I feel horribly ashamed for the salty h2o that came from my eyes. What a despicable weak person I am to succomb to such petty feelings and express sorrow over them. Get over it Kathleen! Stop being such a little girl. Stop being a girl, weak, fragile, less, emotional, guts-less. I almost feel if I had been born a guy, I would have no outstanding personality, or I would be gay. Because I simply cant stand the way God made women. And I dont care who reads this or whos offended by this cuz its true. And so, I swim away, lost in thoughts and missing to this world, behind my invisible wall where I can see are the illusions in my head, making nonsense out of this misfigured world.
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