<~7:19 pm on Sunday, Aug. 24, 2003~>

destination- nowhere

Are thoughts really there or is it just some kinda of imaginary maple syrup... gooey and slow and immobile until you drill a hole in the tree? Or maybe thoughts are more like ketchup... they're there, but it takes a good WHOMP to get them out.

I sit here, wasting away the precious hours of summer by checking and rechecking random blogs and yearning for more, yet doing nothing. I believe my head has a clog, and thats why it aches. I have homework to do but wish to go outside, lie in the grass and stare at the sky.

This time I have waited forever for but can I use it? No. And soon they will be gone once more. I hate time. Its relentless pounding crushes all, mercilessly.

Popcorn explodes nearby. Boring history lessons wait patiently for someone to take interest, a new pet sleeps under the shade, enclosed in that glass of evil. Thoughts that wore away at my spirit 2 days ago now seem distant and ethereal... as if nothing more than a mostly forgotten dream.

I woke up this morning and the air was a chilly, brisk mist... reminding one of autumn and soccer games and soft pretzels. These dog days of summer seem more similar to ancient October mornings than much else. I will have no more soccer games. 12 years and now I must stop. My time is up, they stole my punchcard from me and I can't enter again. And what now? Will I waste away or find another passion? One that will also be ultimately lost and forgotten and longed for? Too much pain, too much loss... I live in this visual world where all is seen and all is enjoyed for its shallow beauty. Simple things have been forgotten, such natural beauty one can enjoy every day in its richness, and instead people are not satisfied and bathe in the fake and the transient. I say we all get struck blind, at least to such evils.

Yesterday I went to the pool with Tori, its always something enjoyable. I went underwater and just looked up into the sky from there... its like you're in your own little world. Its peacefully quiet, without the noise polluting your mind. The world seemed to be captured in a crystal ball... you could reach up and touch the end of the sky, and catch the sun as if it was a firefly. I wonder if the sky was supposed to be made of water, and instead God changed his mind at the last minute and figure it would be better for oxygen to be less dense and easier to live in. But wouldn't it have been fun to live in water and take a break by swimming in air?

I have been trying to take a rest from this computer, this headache, but nothing seems to work, so I figured I would turn off the ever annoying tv. The Phillies lost, golf was on... nothing good could come from that. So now Rent is on and I think my head is slowly going back to feeling normal, and less withdrawn. This makes me wish I could get out of this house and enjoy my friends company, singing at the top of our longs to this somewhat innappropriate soundtrack. Nice summer nights, indeed. But at the same time as soon as someone signs on I wish I had an away msg up and could just ignore people with no worries. Do I want in or out of my mind? Why is this so hard to decide?

Friday night peoples went over to the McGeehan's house... It was some playing cards, some watching the Ninja Turtles Movie, and the few people that got their schedules compared who's got lunch with who, etc...

I didnt get mine til the next day so Vilija and I sat back and sang random songs. I'm really glad she's back, there was a big something missing from the group's wellbeing with her on vacation. She's in my lunch this year which rocks... I have always have lunch with Anna since our Chem goes into lunch, so this is cool. Unfortunately Jason has 6th tho, which sucks -_-, I dont know why people say its a party, its just we three and Dan (and who knows whether he will even sit w/ us or not). I needed a later lunch and some randomness, so thats one plus about the schedule. The rest of it seems kinda crappy tho :/ but hey, I guess everyone's is that way.

I try not to think of school, I still have worksheets and summaries and 2 movies to watch and detail in reports. Blahh. And they call this summer?

"We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe
And save from devastation our brains
We'll pack up all our junk and fly so far away
Devote ourselves to projects that sell
We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe
Forget this cold Bohemian hell
Oh--
Oh--
Do you know the way to Santa Fe?
You know, tumbleweeds...prairie dogs..."

Blah do I really have more to write about or do I just like sitting here compressing plastic against plastic? Earlier today, after the 10:15 mass Caroline got a new pet. We bought a Greek Tortoise, who I kinda suggested we call the Black Knight. Its supposed to live to be 100... and knowing Caroline it might have to be the Black Knight to survive her. Its shell is kinda like blackish armor, so I guess it makes sense. And I guess the fact that I watched Monty Python last night is hard to miss. Hahaha, oh well. It better not mind the Sobe stickers all over its terrarium. Or rather, the hampsters' of old terrarium. I actually like this one, so I may interfere and take care of it if Caroline doesnt, to avoid the high possibility of death in the next month.

Do you ever wish for death of certain things... just because you want to know how much you need them? I have everything but I don't think I can value it now. I haven't lost anyone or anything in awhile and it makes me wonder how much I can have... or enjoy in this anomaly. This life goes on with no aim or purpose or path. Spreading in every direction, thoughts pour... the mind wanders, but with what purpose? To where? Without some linear aim can we really be measured? There is no scale to go by, there is no end. Without a finish can you really continue to walk on this timeline of life? Or are you merely standing still, no matter where you go or how you try, stuck in this meaninglessness? Questions never answered, questions to what avail in this petty life we live. Is there anything more? Who can say? Forever I question and ponder with no way to know, nothing to gain. Where is the end to this spiral I weave? Caught in my own web of woes, I shall become tangled and trapped, death approaching slow as nightfall and swift as wind. Is this being vague or startlingly precise? If anyone can put an end to these question marks please visit me. End my tears, stop my hate. Give me some reason to hope.

Until then, I need out of here. Someplace like the twilight zone would be nice. Searching for comfortable living area, affordable, in another dimension. 2 Bedrooms, 2 bath, large intergalactic pathways? If you've got anything close, I'll be willing to offer. Just get me out of this moment with no future and no past.

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