<~10:41 pm on Tuesday, Oct. 01, 2002~>

just pondering... yet not enough.

How I wish to write, yet do not. I should be writing necessary things, such as how education was valued in the Renaissance... or which repeated story of my family gives it a sense of unity; writing about the different aspects of community ecology, or a composition on which well known person I admire most in the world.

But yet I do not. My mind wanders, I am distracted from my line of thought, if there ever was one. I meander into the world of distorted realities where what is truth blends into a swirl of imagination and i drift far away in my own world.

My thoughts I shall sometimes collect and assemble in a somewhat understandable fashion in a blog. Writing helps alleviate the soul from those weights and burdens that bear it down. It opens your being and the ink that blackens a piece of paper is like the blood that runs in your veins and through your heart. It is not only vital to have but the ink becomes you... just as with blood you live, and with blood you die.

Writing can give a sense of comfort and individuality, but I often despise how the evilness of schools use it against us. Such writing needs thought, and little time is left for thought when the day has slipped by so quickly.

For example- we were are to write a composition about one well known person who we admire most in the world. But the problem is, they had to be famous, and barely any time was given to think it over. My values are probably quite a bit different than any other average American person, and as many a student was rambling off some actor or tv star, I pondered for a good bit who could share a number of the same beliefs as I and also manage to pull off being famous too. I do not mean to be discriminatory but many views shared by the famous are different from those of the ever toiling, hard working middle class? I guess that is how one would name it. They have the qualities of being hard-working, diligent, sometimes (too bad not always) conservative, motivated, and not so overly outspoken as to become a famous figure in the world. I see many of the stars as being liberal (i simply wont go there), and just having their beliefs in the wrong places. Someone who spends 3 hours a day trying to get their makeup just right makes me want to barf. But it is a waste of electricity trying to get all this through. Mainstream America these days is unfortunately a very ignorant, shallow group whos values are often (in my opinion) in some of the most dissapointing and infuriating places imaginable. Do you realize how many people spend so much time idolizing tv icons movie stars because they have the precious ability to pay an extreme amount of money to refined makeup artists so they can look ever so beautiful and then act as some selfish bitch who is a backstabber to her friends and then cheats on her boyfriend? Its ashame how often that is not just a show. And then this somehow weaves its way into the subject of popularity. Those that so wholly admire those famous people will sometimes turn out to be one of them when they grow up. I believe there is an extreme lack of heros for people to look up to today. The disgustingness of those popular kids and even more, the wannabees just makes me feel sick. So many people have their goal in school to become popular or gain approbation from their fellow schoolmates and feel accepted. But how many of these people are just total and complete snobs who waste their lives trying to look, act and sustain their popularity which is only upheld by the opinions of the corrupted american youth. How can one simply be so affixed on becoming important in the eyes of someone who cares for naught but themself and their own image? The popular people's shallowness and discrimination of those who do not look or "behave" by their personal standards is so often overlooked and yet so often encountered.

The ignorance of young humanity still amazes me. I believe we are looking at a grim future.

And this is MY opinion. I dont care if you disagree. Because I know there are some of you out there that i might've mentioned out there. I dont care if what u think I said is a lie. Thats your problem. Come back in 40 years. See what you have made of the world. I'll see what I've done.

Ok. Somehow this all came off from my composition. I most likely was saying earlier how we were given barely anytime to think of who we admired most in the world. I never said i was perfect, for I know I'm not, but so many people in my class started rambling off actors, and actresses, the occassional singer and then your random ones. I really couldnt think of anybody at first. I liked some of what I heard, Cal Ripken, Jr.; Lou Gehrig, Mother Teresa... But dear Lord. My English teacher had no idea who Cal Ripken Jr is. How can one teaching American literature not know who he is? I do not understand why no one likes baseball anymore. It is a sad sad world. Americas own national sport is probably one of its least popular and nearly had to close a couple of its ballclubs because they're simply wasnt enough support or money. That does have to do with the players salary and such, but I dont think I'll wander there.

My teacher also asked someone and they said Robert Frost. I felt bad because then the whole room erupted in laughter and that probably taught that person never to stray from the shallow ideals of the popular american thought.

I really wasnt sure of who to choose, but I chose Joan of Arc. It is kinda sad because I dont know a whole ton about her. Maybe I did it cuz of the fact that I've been reading a series about a girl who had to pretend to be a man to become a knight and serve for her kingdom. But I also truly admire her for her bravery, her physical and spiritual strength, and her perseverence. I am somewhat of a feminist i guess, I truly hate it when guys think that they are better than girls and so I also was glad to see someone that could be strong-willed enough to prove that. There are several other figures I thought might've worked, but I guess Joan of Arc will do.

I didnt have a broad number of people to work with though... I immediately dismissed actors, actresses, and the likes. Politicians. There were a couple from there that I might've considered truly admirably, but that wasnt really me. Abraham lincoln was a very "hefty dude" as my dad put it. He sought to preserve the union, ended slavery, and was in charge during the bloodiest war in the history of america, and although the price was great, he defended the core of what america is, and eventually died for it. After politicians came sports players. There were many a legend in here that i admired, but mostly it was for the wrong reasons. Look at the Bambino or Pete Rose... great players but some slight problems in the rest of life. Plus how could I pick one person out of the so many that had played throughout history that I liked best?

I also kinda wanted to have whoever I admired be female. It would just mean more. I was then kinda sorted the rest into musicians, writers, religious figures, philosopher type ppl and the rest (aka the group i ran out of time to catagorize).

I dont know why but I guess I'm getting to my point in a question.... how can you pick just one famous person that you admire the most out of the entire history of the world? But in the same sense, how can you find any.....

Maybe i should stop taking so much time and obsessing over this and take a break from perfectionism. I still need to write the composition, and do biology and finish theology. Tomorrows lunch period should be extra fun.

The weird part is, except for the fact that I'm really tired I can concentrate so much better at 1 am in the morning than at 7 pm at night. I just havent the right mood then that feels like writing. I could write in my blog, but it would be more of that dull everyday listing type entry rather than one of these insane-what-were-you-on-when-u-wrote-this type entries like tonight. (I'm just kidding tho, I wouldnt be on nething except maybe an extreme sugar high or sugar low.) I had a lot more to say but I forgot over the course of two hours that it took me to get this far. Maybe it'll all come back to me for the next entry. Hopefully I dont die from a blow to the skull while attempting to jump off a cliff trying to avoid my own hallucinations. That would make for a very disturbing obituary.

Goodbye for now, my journal. Maybe I'll return tomorrow so I can once again wring my brain and let my sponge blog soak up my thoughts.

PS- I was gonna write an entry like Tori's but I lost my poeticness after attempting to start homework for a good while.

PSS- please excuse the bad humor tonight, I'm a tad tired. Ciao~

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