<~11:03 pm on Monday, Feb. 10, 2003~>

Swing swing swing from the tangles of my heart

Well happy half-snow day to you too. I have had a much filled day and right now my main comfort is my book and my music. I am sick of being little miss dejected. ugh. An excuse. Ignored extra person-thingum. I dont mind being alone that much i just dont like being ignored.

Cut my life into pieces this is my last resort suffocation no breathing dont give a fuck if i cut my arm bleeding.

Everyone is so selfish. I have come to the conclusion that sometimes people that seem like the biggest losers can actually be the most kind and caring and friendly people.

My lotr sisters whom some people may think have no lives (some bitch came into the chat room and said that one day) made me smile today. I got two valentines from people who i dont even know in person but they took the time to make my day better.

But then u turn around and people who u thought were awesome will ignore u thinking its no big deal. Of course this had to happen on more than one occasion today, similar scenarios.

Arggg I have stopped writing in the middle of this and now my eyes are buggin me and i cant think straight and about what I wanted to say before. Dont get distracted while writing. I think now I realize why Tori is never on aim while writing an entry.

Arg. Well I dunno if its the added factors that recently everything i have done hasnt been good enough, I have been a failure, or if its me being moody or even just the oncoming of that stupid valentines day. Went rock climbing yesterday. Sucked immensely. I really shouldnt have skipped that one week, i knew i wouldnt have been working on the lab report and hist report during the day. Well we tried for the stupid blue course again and i couldnt get it. Chrissy beat me to it, i thought she would, shes been one step ahead of me recently... and my resent has probably been apparent. I hate sucking at stuff. I am pissed at myself for being like the last person to master it. Now even if i get it, it wont be anything special. At most maybe a "its about time you got that one." Arg. I hate myself. Arrrrrrgggggg I could not get that freaking one no matter how hard i tried. It was so awful because I was so pumped and coulda done about anything i wanted to at the moment except that. Probably because I'm short and i was tired and just plain couldnt reach, damnit. I coulda done about 60 pushups there... woulda literally obliterated a punching bag or berek if one was available, i lost almost all self control... if not for the possibility of embarrassing everyone i was with any more i woulda screamed bloody hell until my voice was hoarse. And stupid Brian didnt help. I swear it took all my dignity (or lack thereof) and remaining strength to stop from punching his face in when he kept saying quitter and showing off. Cant stand it, he better not come next week... and if he does he better stop with the negative comments or else im gonna totally spaz freaking and killing all the tires til they are mashed into dust.

Argg. And damnit Anna and joanna eventually tricked me into telling them my damn rank. I am ashamed at myself but yet look at me... i am writing a diary entry at 11:22 at night and still have history homework. I freaking cant deal with being 41st. How in the hell have 40 people beaten me!?? They are all stupid bitches, or at least most of them. They are because im very enraged right now and I said so. I could call down a huge blizzard right now if i wanted. GGGrrrrrrrrr plushie. and now with track. I was doing pushups the other day and i got really tired after freaking 30. 30 wimpy pushups. God. I need to work on that too. Plus my social life isnt exactly thriving. I'm here being bitter about stupid valentines day (i do hate the pink and marketing scheme... and mushy ignorant people. ughhh. I agree with the ppl here.) Arg. Even Katie l has a date on friday. Blarg. *insert conceited complaining drivel here*

~musica to dl: The Donnas~

I must say this entry has proved to become much more pessimistic and complainative and boring than i wished, but lifes like that aint it. Thoughts cluttered, mind unorganized. Earlier I thought i knew what I was trying to say but now I'm not sure.

I looked up at the moon earlier tonight and watched it move. I would've watched it much longer had it not been practical to lie at the bottom of a sledding hill. I wonder why the moon wanted to go in that particular direction. Perhaps theres a nicer home or temporary residence at least. It deserves a nice home. Does that mean I deserve a nice home? I am Lairerana Viriniel Ringwe-Indil Twilightcatcher you know. I am part of it, in a sense. I love the moon. If i could scrounge up my moon poem from last summer I'd put it up but I've realized my writing isnt all that good. Maybe thats because we've just been studying Emily Dickinson tho, hehe. I miss fireflies and the innocent summer of before. When the world seemed ok and there wasnt all these flaws to everything. When I was looking at the flower because it was beautiful. I didnt even notice the fact that it happened to be wilting, for it was still beautiful. But now its like that give a penny take a penny, I experience more of the world, realize theres more thats bad than i saw before. We'd all be perfectly happy if we remained small children forever or just went and lived with the Virin moon and the trees in the woods with a book, lime jello, some surfing time... summer. Summer is good. If summer is ruined I shall be screwed. Thats all ive had recently.

The one good thing about typing is that i can be half blind from the stupidity of my contacts and still be able to write. Write write write. Wy do you read this? Do you really have a reason? Do you know me? Do you care? Are you glad that already knew I was pyscho so my randomness doesnt scare you too much? Or does this show you much of what didnt seem to be me before.

Yay! Nirvana's on. I need to burn me a cd of those adrenalineizing and destressing songs. Unless of course i feel like writing an entry. Arg, things dont even out the way I'd like them to.

I tried being schizo today but then later my friend told me of someone she knew who was really schizofrenic, and now i feel bad about always saying i am. I shouldnt joke like that sometimes when i dont know what I'm talking about.

Well i suppose i need to specificize what happened today just to write some stuff that might make sense to those who are not me. Being most of you. Well I woke up very annoyedly, finding no new snow outside like I expected. School is an inevitable being of evilness.

Yay! same nirvana song again diff channel. I think this is symbolizing something with the repetitiveness of my life. Some random thought cycles. Maybe i should analyze what my entries were like consecutively or whatever that word is for time-order... yeah. Tired, I know. I stayed up til 1:30 am watching the Majestic last night. Hypocrite I am, but I hate tv. The movie was good though. I thought i wouldnt like it but i enjoyed it. The 50s actually seem kinda cool. I now deem I hate tv but not movies. Just shows/game cube.

Well what was I saying? oh yesh, I hadta go to stupid school and repeat the endless droning of repeating unequivocal blahhh. Yeah, I dont know what that means either. So shut up. School sucked, until 5th period. The snow actually seemed to look a bit more, threatening... that is, if you could compare the snow's threatening-ness to a grasshopper. Well thats what it was like. Pretty sad. But lo and behold pretty soon after I hand in my in-the-hallway-scribbled homework and get an unexpected birthday invitation a voice rings statically over the pa.

Wait! *swing swing swing from the tangles of my heart can u help me find a way to carry on again*

Ok anywho there was a big commotion and I was able to make out the fact that only one school district was getting out early.... (and here comes the 2 minute pause)..... And twas Rose Tree Media! Muahahaha I shouted for joy amongst evil glares from my classmates. :P But grr plushie to my annoyance we needed an id to make sure that we werent from another district and cutting and well, I'm always miss wonderfully organized so I didnt have it. I think i lost it like last november. Oops. Hehe. Blurble.

Well after much chaos eventually got thru into the discipline office and received evilll demerit slip. But I've realized much an oddwink has been going on, Ive been having more than 5 demerits and havent had a detention in forever! I am quite enjoying it, more time for crew. Or sleeping in and being late for crew, hehe.

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