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Hopefully the last day I see pink for a lonnggg while Happy valentines day to you too. Well no not really. I lied. I hate valentines day. Its all a big marketing sceme and a day where the stupid preppy girly girls profit by people telling them how beautiful they are. Too bad I cant go up and punch them and tell them how shallow and stupid and weak they are. And then I just get depressed ugh. I shouldnt because I know I am independent, I really dont need anyone. I am the the individual psycho feminist who needs no one else. I am not boy crazy. Nor would I want to be. But goddamnit somehow this holiday always makes you feel worse about yourself. Especially when just about every other girl in seems to have one of those fucking carnations besides you. But no, deep down inside I'm not jealous... i swear... yeah Ok so I am but you suck. I still am me and that doesnt change. I just wouldnt mind it if one single person actually appreciated me for that. Its kind of frustrating that no one knows what I am really like. I have so many different aspects of me that come out with different people, I'm a medley of so many different things. Its hard being that way because you always feel inadequate but I guess its good because you are individual and special, to an extent... Of course when no one realizes that it doesnt seem to matter. But I know it does. I know what I am, mostly, and I will not change that for other people. I am exactly as I am and if they cant realize that, well then they are the ones missing out. Them ignorant bastards, them. Well the actual day was not any better than my frustrated rant just there. Way more stress than i should have. Fell asleep at 1:30 am after working on poems late... Second night in a row spent on the sofa. Not too fun waking up or realizing i did just about no other homework in the face of the poetry project. I hate forced poetry. I can only write when I'm in the mood and junk. I definitely was not finished at the the time I dropped into oblivion. I ended up working through Spanish class and i didnt go down to lunch at all but instead went straight to the library to finish and type it up. Herein occurs my fatal flaw. I did not finish in the period, i did not finish in one point five. I finished it when the disciplinarions would give me one and five. argg wow what in the hell was that. A take off of the highwayman with nonrhyming rhyming and nonsensical ramblings? I blame it on the lack of orange juice. Stupid orange juice. Anywho I kinda worked on it well into 4th period, when I was supposed to be in computers. What other choice did I have? I hadta finish it despite the procrastination from before. So i kinda ended up in the discipline office in trouble for more than I expected. Now im in trouble for cutting class, not reporting to lunch before going to the library, not signing in at the library, and then staying there wayy into 4th when I was supposed to arrive at computers. They even told me i was wearing too many bracelets and i couldnt wear my choker. I'll just wear more next time. So im dead. What of it? All they can do now is give me pieces of paper and detention and stop me from being in any sport and on stage crew and going to Philly night. I still got the stupid poem project in. Even tho I didnt do the homework for periods 5th thru 7th. Or study for the quiz 8th. I'm really on top of things here, ain't I? Not to mention the fact that in 7th period it was announced that there will be no crew tomorrow. That just got me insanely mad. Slammed my fist to the desk and everyone got quieter but who the hell cares. No one will remember anyway. Arg, wonderful day I had. Never go to school on Valentines day. Its always pure suckiness. Well I shouldnt say that because every time I want to express one pure emotion I get just a few contradicting factors that make me feel better. Urg, why cannot I feel just one thing? I would love to have a ultimately awful day so I can wallow in the patheticness of it all but nooo random funny things such as mike kim phrases in theology and stupid random movies about an old dead dude who blinked too much. And invented communism or something. I must comment on the wonderful oscar winning performances of the early 80s retarded lookin ppl. Superb. But anywho i came home in a generally glum mood. I cant help it, the ugh of it all presses in on me like the weight of a misty, heavy air. It was evil indeed, a claustrophobic sense fell on me, as if I needed to escape. So i come home to an empty house with my empty heart and even a freakin empty stomach for that matter. Lull myself into a state of almost depression, listening to cd over and over and eventually tears stream down and i cry myself to sleep. It seems like no one out there has time for me and itll be an uneventful friday night on valentines cuz im a failure. But then my oh so thoughtful UFO (unattached females only) friends called up to see if I would like to accompany them to the mall. I was glad to have the opportunity and before leaving to run off to the mall in my bondage pants and random black running crew shirt, watched some tv. I didnt see the beginning of it, but I watched about 45 minutes of AI, and wow was it moving. It was very deep and seemed like all my selfish pities were so petty and little compared to just the one thing this one boy wanted. I felt ashamed and sad and moved and damnit i cried like a fool over a robot. Its awful, I never get emotional but I guess this is the day if I'm gonna be that way. Headed out to the mall for chaoticness, splurging on everything from a seether cd to a TTT poster to a dragon + sword necklace thingum. Eventually we met up with some random characters some of which Tori and Sami remotely knew... I had never seen before. Basically a bunch of college punks, really cool if you asked me. Stranded there since they spent their money they needed for the bus. Hard to explain but basically heres the idea: We (tori, sami and I) walk along and they come up to us asking if we could spare some change... sami offers to share once she breaks her 20. We head to spencers to do that. I stay in Spencers a tad longer and buy dragon necklace thing. While I'm in line, Tori and Sami go back out to give them some money. Apparently hot dude Sami met was following annoying preppy bitch from same school as Sami and Tori. Does this to gain $. I show up, hot dude comes back, we all sorta socialize a tad bit. Bitchy prep comes back and starts to yell at one of the dudes. She slaps him and I was hoping against wisdom that he would hit her back, but he didnt, she just used that power over him to slap him. Sami hated this girl from beginning of year, goes with other girl in the group to get in her face and either beat some sense into her or scare her away. I dunno about tori but at this point it got a lil crazy. Eventually the girl went away freaked out... all was solved, and I had an interesting convo with this a short punk (multistate) hockey player girl whose hoodie was covered in all these awesome pins and patches. Really nice and cool. Eventually they all hadta leave and Sami freaked after hot dude and she swapped nos. Thus ends the abbreviated noninteresting or footnoted version of brief interesting chaos. What bugs me tho is that a lot of 'freaks' are really really nice if you get to know them but have bad habits... yeah. Whereas preps may seem friendly and nice at first but are total bitches and backstabbers most of the time. I know I am being stereotypical but this is my diary, so what the hell are you gonna do about it!??!! Ha! So time passes... we spend time pretendning the sky is falling while waiting for our ride outside. Its pretty funny to see all the random ppls in a crowd stare just because u and a friend keep running out of a Ruby Tuesdays shouting "The sky is falling!" and asking about the mothership with a weird accent "Has the mothership arrived yet? Has it????" And then soon after I did this I just haddd to pray all dramatically in Spanish. Close to doing the whole book soap opera. (Maria... esta libro es muy tarde *sob... sob* Vas a la biblioteca!) Its always fun to be insane. Isn't it, Berek? {Flying trashcan looks ahead, sternly impassionate expression never failing.} Anywho thas been some portions of my V-day... I would normally write in more thought and detail but I am quite tired and should go upstairs to fall asleep to Seether. Really now I hate some things. G'nite~ PS- Damnit! Even the internet feels loved. Curses.....
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