<~8:39 pm on Thursday, Feb. 27, 2003~>

i love black.

I'm really sick of all this nothingness I have led myself into. I havent been in the best mood all day, having random mood spazzes and such.... blarg. I'm really not sure what I'm like now, or why I'm feeling mad frustrated, bebothered and sickened. I know I am and its all by various things but I want it to go away.

I hate people often. I hate myself just as often. I dont know why but I have had a random mood swing and right now I feel like absolute crap, I'm such a failure and I hate it. I hate me. I'm not who I can be, I can be better and I'm not. I could just scream in so many peoples faces right now or I could just go back into the dark. I love the dark, it really is comforting. Its always there, its always gloomy and black and its wonderful. It wont piss you off, it wont bother you with its perky happiness when you dont think you can stand that stuff anymore. The darkness takes you in, failure or not, It consumes and enters and soaks in, my tears mingle with the dark and flow, they are not hidden anymore. I am who I am and it understands my pain. Why people fear the dark I do not understand. They should be afraid of the light. Despising its brightness, showing all your shortcomings and hatred and failures to the world. It stabs that present wound, dripping once again, you retreat again to the dark. Those ever present comforting shadows in which music and thought become one, blackness and being akin... Thoughts of hatred toward myself glare out in the lyrics, words become manipulated in my head.

Blood drips down,
in that lightless room
shadows gather
screams, my brain cant handle
my encompassing feelings of rage
I'm burning inside
whithering, dying
but screaming as I go
My exploding fury
self-contained for no one sees
the blackness taking over
shadows eat my soul.

I really dont know what i hate more, the rest of the world, or myself. Ugh. Nothing is there. I am existing but in anti-anything, I dont want to be myself but I dont want to be anyone else. I guess I'm in a predicament then.

I dont have much else to say right now. Well actually I lied. I do, but im not in the mood to. I have also written a lot of poetry (better than that crappy thing up a few lines) recently, maybe I'll try to get it up sometime. Or make a separate blog for that.

Go away. Urg. You all bother me. Unless you feel like leaving a gbook message. Then you are kind. Because I said so, and i told it to snow and it will, damnit! Its so freaking disobedient, coming 2 hours late but its here and therefore I am sulking rather than doing homework. So goodnite diaryland. Dont let the light get you.

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