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perceptions of mankind I am starting to think people are really goddamn boring and it is everyones joy in life to have my summer crumble before my eyes. The one thing I have yet to look forward to, to keep me plodding on to meet. Everything has to be in freaking July. July july july. Such an attention hog. I pity August and June. They need some stuff rather than jamming in the shore and camp and crap all during july meeting everyone i dont 'normally' see and spending the time down the shore. But what is normal if normal during July is what is not normal. It's an inverted oxymoron, or something, I believe. Argg and just when I have enough complications of my own other people try to get me to spend time to help them and I'd really rather not. I'll try to be nice but its getting so freakin inconvinient I'm surprised they even asked. Its frustrating you know. I'll never be a good mom. Or chauffer, or caterer or safari travel guide. Grr plushie. I fear my lack of patience, flexibility and openmindedness. Some may see it as ignorance which even occasionally I unmistakeably notice it, but even further proving my immersion into it, I deny or just dont care. I really don't. I see the world and I so highly think of my own opinion I spiral down into unending oblivion until all else fades and the world is not worthy. Not worthy of even time or thought or pondering for it is low. I fear I will end walking down this road further into despair and unfaithfulness in people, and get sucked into this world inside my mind where even the objective mutates into the subjective; the world is one skewed view. Truths no longer exist, there is only untruth and possibility. I don't know what would prevent me from falling into this world of thoughts, or what would make me fall. I guess the one instance which proved my hypothesis wrong on the general view of mankind in and of itself, not limited by catagories or specifities, would be enough to save that one sliver of hope from dripping away, leaking out of my soul as a gambler's last bit of money. If that one person, one who disproves such evidence leading to the contrary, one who saves that last bit of gold for me, really does exist, would I be able to build a whole new world with that one piece of gold saved? Would I be able to save all hope that was spent and lost and wasted away and gain a new respect for beings believed to be gone and away? I guess it is one of those mysteries unknown, deepness there but unrecognizable for others have treaded only shallowly themselves? Uniqueness undefineable for if one is unique the whole world is, and then we all try to hard and thus in a reverseable collapse of nature those who are not unique, indeed are. I find that almost all is possible but even whether possible and seeable coincide remains to be seen. And so up I sit, recently snapped out of my pondersome limitless reality by some simple radio waves reverberating in my head. I wish I could further ponder such truths and nontruths, for are not they much better to ponder than stupid superficial transcient knowledge they fill or shove into your brain rather than real learning. I wish I could continue to spend my time like this but a late theology project lies untouched in the living room and I will most likely leave it there to fall asleep on this comfortable couch content for that short time in which I have fading out of being, not thinking not feeling, dreaming deeply but not realizing. Dreams are the key to opening a new consciousness but we cannot control such things and therefore our reality may not be chosen. I believe it is best that way for we would most likely destroy ourselves and give up all other initiative when life could be spent in a perfect, realistic heaven of a dream. So I as I leave I wish to the darkness and emptyness and light and void and people out there for a contentment of consciousness and for dreams to come swiftly and softly, on both myself and you. Whoever you are out there, for you are special to me. Thank you for spending time conceiving my always insane snapshots of the universe.
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