<~12:44 am on Monday, Aug. 11, 2003~>

paper flowers of grey

I was planning on annoying you with a Brain persuation test I took, but instead I decided it would clog up my blog with unnecessaries. Yes, that made me sound like a snob whose immaculate blog is so great that it should only never be tainted by words that arent its own. Really I just figured enough boringness is here already, why add more?

Ok anywho time to move on to my life... which really isnt much better. Today was kinda a weird day.. not sure how to catagorize it. Twas characterized by neon lights and sunlight through the window, moving across the floor, unable to be reached.

Blahh frustration lingers and pulses through my veins, surfacing now and then. People I hate for no reason, people who I hurt easily and often, people who dont care, people who are gone, lost, somewhere... people who I spasmatically want to scream at... I feel them inside me. Lyrics echo in my head, empty songs with lost tunes, broken shards of cds are somewhere. Pointless tears... no one cares, sees, I like to hide them in my shadows anyway.

Hide in your denial, leave me wondering, telling me untruths, only so I can find later. Maybe I talk too much. All you gotta do is produce a lack of pixels, slap up an away message and boom. Insta-hurt. I am too helpless to change anything. Sorry I am only a human, only one person, I can't do anything you won't let me do.

I cant be perfect so ya know. I wish i could restrain myself sometimes, but everything builds up. I'll get mad at someone for no reason, and I'll wish I could lash out at them and curse and hurt and kick them like a dog on the street. Why do I feel this? Every day there's this need inside me to hurt, I wish people would hurt me so I could flip and rage on and cause pain to them. Then which I would bring back the past, seemingly forgotten mistakes, hatred, which I would pound into them until they are a crying pile of misery, unable to show their face. What is this urge? That nameless wrath locked inside of me, growing, feasting on my fears and thoughts and longings. One day it will surface, and the longer I wait the greater this monster will be.

But now all I can see are these stupid things I do, where I fail, I become nothing working. A rejected factory product on its way to the dump. If I may quoth Sami's Amy Tan away msg-

My immortal...
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me...

You're not the only ones with feelings, as much as I wish to change. Just leave this pain and caring upon some empty doorstep where no one lives. I guess I'm just not enough. Can't do anything right, can you Kathleen? Screw up the simpliest things? Go back inside, do your homework, hide away forever. There your thoughts can float away like mists, and never be caught or touched or wounded. No one would have to see your weaknesses there.

I'm typing in this sort of rhythm that steals into my head and sings away. I can't escape its gripping power, what else can I do to run away? Am I rhyming? Damnit you tune, I hate rhyming. Stop.

Ok. I think I've escaped its grasp for the time being. Must be quiet. We're 'unting wabbits. I really did enjoy today until things obviously get screwed up, because I have that kind of supernatural ability. It follows me by day and night. Ever since I was little I just never had the luck. Now I shouldnt complain because I dont have it bad, but oh well. I am here, in my head, thoughts leaking into these anglo-saxon line formations. What they form? Who cares?

Most friends just nod and listen, not really there. That is inevitable, for it is the nature of humans, and to expect more is ludicrous. I might as well socialize with pillows. They can't bite back.

Its sad in a way... to see so much seemingly there, like everything mattered so much... but when you really look at it, it washes away to dust and nothing more. Nothing long and attached and deep, just little things here and there to keep you busy in a friendship/distraction thoughout the course of life. Theres nothing you can really do but grab onto what little matters in life, and cherish that fleeting enjoyment.

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