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craving choffees Listlessly I tumble back online, where have I left to? This empty land of school and sleep; each day I feel my thoughts grow narrower. The time for expansion and curiousity is always limited when one has school, ironically enough. It hasn't been that bad recently, scribbling poems during latin class is quite fulfilling. It is the anger and frustration over things such as my failure to get into NHS and onto stage crew executive board that haunt me. My habit of lateness last year not only ruined my track season last year but my possibility for prestige this year. If NHS counts for prestige, that is. I have this huge ache in my chest for last year's stage crew. This year it doesnt seem all so vast and glamorous. So many seniors have gone off and graduated, drifted away into that all consuming void that is adulthood. Now its just a group of some friends, nonfriends, and a couple new people just getting orders and following them. Last year it seemed so much different, I miss that feeling that you could actually help, and get lost, and be like a little sister to people. I suppose thats what it was, I never really had older people to hang out with, I've always been the oldest, or at least the same age as everyone, and it gets rather heavy at times. 20-some seniors gone. And now theres only 3. How does that balance out? Looks like God messed up on the baby tabulation and gave one class way too many people. Now it seems like a clash for power, a struggle to prove oneself, I'm not doing it for fun anymore. I'm not that hyper midget some once saw. And I miss that. I only have two more years til I'm dragged away from here. Maybe being a freshman and sophomore in college will equate to what is gone. I hope as hope was wafted on a breeze... I need to find some place in between the clouds and the ground for my head to reside in. Its always either one extreme or another, what does one do? Is one to ignore the higher sorrows and responsibility of understanding the earth while walking through life? Or should one be so burdened and yet overjoyed with these nuances that she has no time to sit back and relax in the futility of it all? These endless balancing acts we play never cease to stay one step ahead of us... As for the concrete now, I am sitting in my chair at the computer, a crumpled piece of paper in front of me. Also visible is a telephone, empty glass, salt shaker, cd played, watch. Goldfish and pretzels were plopped beside the chair by a child other than I. I had three consecutive tests today in school, and feel pretty confident about being on top of things. I got a 90 on the ap history, and I think I did better than most other people. That flicker of contentment sparked inside of me today like it was in freshman year, I felt accomplished for the first time in awhile. Its nice to succeed and beat out others every once in awhile. But only after great defeat is it most greatly relished. I must be off to get changed, tonight I am going to Anna's house, even though Justin and his friends are there. Jason's coming also, but I think its only because I need a ride. I hate being a bum, I feel guilty about that. Soon enough I will be able to drive. Hopefully.
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